Laying Down the Law

Q: My wife listens to classes on effective child rearing and the lecturer advocates always remaining calm and never showing anger. This seems to work well with most of my children, but one child constantly challenges my wife and seems to be upping the ante to "get her goat." I personally feel that the advice is misguided. What is wrong with sometimes laying down the law, even accompanied by harsh words and an outward display of anger, an approach with apparent sources in Chazal? Please advise.

A: There is nothing wrong with showing a child that you are upset. I do not necessarily believe that it has to be displayed with a show of anger and harsh words, but chinuch means, at times, letting your child know that you are upset with his actions. The various classes on raising children are wonderful. Unfortunately, some of the classes are created for people living in a utopian world, where everything is lovely, smiley, and happy. These speakers sometimes forget that when a mother is busy diapering one child, doing homework with a second child, preparing dinner for her husband, and dealing with a crying baby, she cannot always function happily. So, when one of her children colors on the wall and speaks with disrespect to her, she must put the child in his place, no ifs, ands, or buts. When a mother hears from the principal in school that her son was disrespectful, it must be dealt with in an immediate fashion, sometimes with strong words.

Disappointment is a very strong message. So, for classes, it is fine to tell parents to always be koochy-koo, but sometimes, that is not the real world. I venture to guess that these speakers also discipline in their own homes. And if they don't, I am sorry for them. Sometimes lesser discipline can be enough. My mother, of blessed memory, who raised us, particularly after the passing of our father, never hit us, but when she saw us acting in a way that disrupted the environment at home, she showed her displeasure. She did not raise her voice, she was not harsh, but she let us know in her calm way that she was very unhappy with us. We straightened up pretty quickly.

Adapted in part from Chinuch With Heart by Rabbi Yaakov Bender (ArtScroll).

 By BJL Staff