Faith Without Boundaries

Secrets Of Shalom Bayit: Rabbi Benzion Shafier On Peace In The Home

ByRabbi Yaniv Meirov – Episode 5, Premiered April 16, 2021, Chazaq Torah Talks

If you think shalom bayit comes easy, you probably haven’t tried buying it—literally. “I always say, if you want peace in the home, you have to buy it. Invest in your marriage, and yes, that means spending a little money,” Rabbi Benzion Shafier quipped as we began this unforgettable conversation. Rabbi Shafier—founder of The Shmuz and acclaimed author of Ten Really Dumb Mistakes that Very Smart Couples Make—joined us for Episode 5 of Chazaq Torah Talks with candor, wit, and decades of experience guiding Jewish couples.

Work on the Relationship—Don’t Wait for a Crisis

Whydo so many couples struggle with shalom bayit—especially during times of pressure or upheaval? Rabbi Shafier’s answer was simple: “Trauma just brings out what’s already there. If the relationship is weak, being thrown together—whether by a pandemic, a loss, or any crisis—will reveal every crack.” His solution is as practical as it is radical: “Go out together. Not for a simcha, not for errands. Go out as a couple, once a week, and take a mini vacation every few months. Yes, restaurants love me, but it’s a lot cheaper than a divorce lawyer!”

The Rambam’s Blueprint for Marriage

Quoting the Rambam, Rabbi Shafier explained, “A husband must treat his wife with more honor than himself, and love her as himself. A wife must respect her husband with an exceeding amount of honor. If both do their part, you’ll have a beautiful home.” Why isn’t the wife commanded to love her husband? “Because for women, love is natural—they’re nurturers. For men, showing love takes conscious effort, so the Torah puts it on them twice over.”

Don’t Make Your Spouse a Project

Rabbi Shafier didn’t shy away from the biggest marital pitfall: the “home improvement project.” “Many women, by instinct, want to improve their husbands. But if you try to fix him, you send the message that he’s not enough. Don’t try to change your husband. If he’s good, he doesn’t need fixing, and if he isn’t, trying won’t help.”

Respect, he explained, isn’t a bonus—it’s oxygen for a husband’s happiness. “A woman needs to know she’s cherished. A man needs to feel respected. You can’t love him by treating him like a project.”

The Gender Gap—and the “That’s Strange” Principle

“Menand women are different nations,” Rabbi Shafier joked. “We judge each other by our own standards, and when your spouse acts in a way that baffles you, the most important thing you can say is, ‘That’s strange.’ Those two words will save your marriage. Instead of getting upset, get curious. Ask yourself, ‘Why would a good, caring spouse do this?’ Maybe you’ll find it’s just a difference in temperament or upbringing—not a personal attack.”

He gave a personal example: “I’ve been happily married for 34 years. Every Shabbos, I bring my wife coffee in bed. I want to use full cream; she likes skim milk. My experience isn’t her reality. Just because you like something doesn’t mean your spouse does. Learn their world.”

Real Romance: Flowers, Cards, or…What She Likes

What if your wife isn’t into flowers or cards? “Find what makes her feel cherished. The gesture isn’t about the gift—it’s about saying, ‘You’re precious to me.’ And ladies, remember: respect is your husband’s greatest need. Don’t fall into the trap of nagging or trying to remake him.”

FinalWisdom: Lovers, Not Just Friends

Marriage, Rabbi Shafier stressed, isn’t just a partnership or friendship—it’s a lifelong romance. “Act as lovers do. Remember the chuppah—how much care and attention you showed each other? Mimic that, every day. Block out time. Make your relationship the first priority. Otherwise, you become ships passing in the night, and every small issue feels bigger.”

And his favorite line? “The two most important words in marriage aren’t ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m sorry’—it’s ‘That’s strange.’ Curiosity opens the door to understanding and real connection.”

More Wisdom Awaits

For more on building a great marriage, Rabbi Shafier’s resources—including his books and full series of lectures—are available at TheShmuz.com. His book Ten Really Dumb Mistakes that Very Smart Couples Make continues to inspire couples worldwide.

About Rabbi Yaniv Meirov:

Rabbi Yaniv Meirov is CEO of Chazaq and Rav of Congregation Charm Circle in Kew Gardens Hills. As Chazaq Torah Talks nears its 200th episode, Rabbi Meirov continues to bring heartfelt, relevant conversations to the Jewish world—bridging tradition with today’s challenges.

This article is presented in honor of the marriage of Malkie (née Schonbrun) to Yitzchak Isaac Schulman. Mazal Tov Malkie's grandmother, Mrs. Rita Saphirstein!

Rabbi Yaniv Meirov is CEO of Chazaq and Rav of Congregation Charm Circle in Kew Gardens Hills. Since 2006, he’s helped thousands of Jews reconnect with Torah and tradition via community events, lectures, and public school outreach, earning recognition from gedolim, elected officials, and community leaders
 As Chazaq Torah Talks approaches its 200th episode, Rabbi Meirov continues to bring thoughtful, heartfelt relevant conversations to the Jewish world—bridging tradition with today’s challenges, one episode at a time. The rav can be reached for comment at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..