The First Year Never Ends

As we prepare for Elul, the season of self-reflection and teshuvah, we often focus outward—on increased mitzvos, on chesed projects, and on self-improvement campaigns. But perhaps Elul begins not in the synagogue or at a community shiur, but at home.

The Sefer HaChinuch (Mitzvah 582) teaches a profound lesson about the first year of marriage. The Torah commands that a newlywed husband should not leave home for war or business. Rather, “He shall be free at home for one year, and shall make happy his wife whom he has taken” (Devarim 24:5). The Chinuch explains that this mitzvah is not merely practical—it is the foundation for building a home grounded in love and emotional attachment.

This first year, the Chinuch writes, “habituates our nature toward her, binds our desire to her, and impresses her image and influence firmly upon our hearts.” Hashem, in His wisdom, designed marriage as a deeply personal transformation. When a husband invests time and emotional energy into his wife, he reshapes his very character. His love becomes exclusive, his home becomes a sanctuary, and the world becomes more complete in the eyes of its Creator.

Rav Shlomo Wolbe zt”l, one of the towering baalei mussar of the 20th century, taught a striking insight: the “first year” is not bound by the calendar—it is a state of the soul. In his celebrated work Ma’amarei Hadrachah L’Chassanim, Rav Wolbe writes that for many couples, the work of bonding, of truly building emotional depth and understanding, was never properly done in year one—so it remains undone years later. If that foundational bonding isn’t completed early, it becomes a long-overdue task, still hovering like a cloud over the home. Thus, for many, the “first year” never truly ends.

Elul is the month of returning to our essence. And in the sacred words of Rav Chaim Vital zt”l, the foremost disciple of the Ari HaKadosh and a pillar of Kabbalistic thought, we discover that this return must begin at home. Rav Chaim wrote (as cited by Rav Wolbe): “A person’s character traits are judged solely by his treatment of his wife. Even if he performed kindness all his life—charity, visiting the sick, gladdening a bride and groom—yet if he taunted and neglected his wife, angered her, and treated her with harshness, all of those kindnesses will not spare him in judgment.”

What a frightening and clarifying reminder. As we cry “Avinu Malkeinu” and plead for another year of life, health, and peace, Heaven looks not just at our shul attendance or tzedakah receipts, but at our home—how we speak to our spouse, how we act when no one is watching, how much we invest in those closest to us.

We often seek spiritual repair in distant places, chasing the “treasure beyond the rainbow,” while the real teshuvah lies in front of us—between husband and wife, parent and child. Ben adam l’chaveiro begins with ben adam l’ishto. Our first, most sacred relationship is often the one most neglected.

As the Days of Awe approach, let us return to our roots—not only to our Creator, but to our commitments, to our marriages, and to the emotional holiness of our home life. Let us strive to create a year of shalom bayis, emotional connection, and inner peace, so that we may merit, with Hashem’s help, a year of redemption and brachah.

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Rabbi Leeor Dahan, a graduate of Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim/RSA, is a noted scholar and teacher, well-versed in halachah. He currently leads Kehilat Avodat Hashem in Hillcrest, Queens, inspiring his congregation to delve into Torah study and embrace its eternal teachings.