The Invisible Scars: Why We Must Eradicate Bullying In Our Communities

We often talk about bullying as though it were a temporary childhood hurdle—a painful but inevitable rite of passage that children eventually outgrow.

The psychological reality is very different.

Words leave invisible scars that can last a lifetime. Long after bruises fade and school years end, the emotional wounds of humiliation, rejection, and ridicule can continue shaping a person’s sense of self.

The passage of time does not automatically erase pain.

I know a man in his seventies who still cannot bring himself to speak about the horrific things classmates did to him in high school. Decades later, the memories remain so painful that he shuts down whenever they surface.

I know another individual who can still repeat, word for word, the cutting remarks an older boy made in front of his peers many years ago.

For some people, the bullying ended years ago. The damage did not.

When Bullying Rewrites Identity

When a child is repeatedly bullied, the pain does not remain trapped in the past.

Over time, the victim begins to internalize the messages being thrown at them. Psychologists refer to this as damage to one’s “self-schema”—the internal framework through which people understand who they are and what they are worth.

Children who are mocked often begin to believe the labels being placed upon them.

The result can be chronic anxiety, social withdrawal, hypersensitivity to criticism, and deep struggles with self-esteem.

These wounds frequently follow a person into adulthood. They can affect friendships, marriages, parenting, and the ability to trust others.

What began as “kids being kids” can become a burden carried for decades.

The Psychological And Spiritual Toll

Bullying rarely targets the strongest child in the room.

More often, it falls upon children who are already quietly struggling with anxiety, depression, social difficulties, or feelings of isolation. Bullies often identify those least equipped to defend themselves and make them easy targets.

As clinicians, educators, and community members, we regularly see the long-term effects:

The Mental Replay

Many victims describe the experience as an endless replay of painful memories. Cruel comments, laughter, and moments of humiliation continue resurfacing years later, often causing tremendous emotional distress.

The Long Road Back

Rebuilding self-confidence after years of bullying is possible, but it often requires significant emotional work. Therapy can help individuals challenge distorted beliefs about themselves and develop healthier ways of relating to others.

A Torah Perspective

From a Torah standpoint, bullying cannot be dismissed as harmless behavior.

The prohibition of onaat devarim—causing pain through words—is taken extremely seriously. Chazal repeatedly emphasize the devastating impact that verbal cruelty can have on another human being.

When we humiliate someone, particularly in public, we are not merely hurting feelings. We are damaging a precious neshamah created in the image of Hashem.

Breaking The Cycle Of Silence

Unfortunately, bullying exists in every type of school and community, including our own.

I remember a boy from my yeshivah years who was relentlessly teased because of his height. The humiliation became so severe that he would openly cry.

At the time, I was too immature and too afraid of social consequences to stand up for him.

Looking back, I regret my silence.

That is the lesson I carry with me today: bullying survives when good people convince themselves that someone else will intervene.

History provides painful reminders of what can happen when communities fail to act. The tragic story of Phoebe Prince, who died by suicide after enduring months of bullying and harassment, demonstrates how devastating unchecked cruelty can become when warnings are ignored.

While not every case ends in tragedy, every instance of bullying leaves a mark.

And every child deserves adults who are willing to step in before lasting damage is done.

What Parents, Students, And Educators Can Do

Teach Children To Be Upstanders

It is not enough to tell children not to participate in bullying.

They should also learn that standing quietly on the sidelines allows harm to continue. Children need age-appropriate guidance on how to seek help, support peers, and speak up when someone is being targeted.

Report Concerns Early

If a student is being bullied—or if you witness bullying—inform a rebbe, teacher, principal, guidance counselor, or trusted adult.

Early intervention often prevents small problems from becoming major ones.

Follow Through

Reporting a concern should not be the end of the process.

Parents and educators should work together to ensure that meaningful action is taken and that vulnerable children receive the protection they need.

Support The Child

Perhaps most importantly, children who have been bullied need to know they are not alone.

They need adults who listen, validate their experiences, and remind them that the cruelty of others does not define their worth.

The Most Important Thing We Can Do

Every child deserves to feel safe when they walk into school, shul, camp, or any community setting.

Creating that safety requires more than policies. It requires courage.

The courage to speak up.

The courage to intervene.

The courage to stand beside someone who feels alone.

If we want to build communities rooted in Torah, dignity, and ahavat Yisrael, then we must refuse to tolerate cruelty disguised as humor or exclusion disguised as social dynamics.

Let us protect our children today so they do not spend decades trying to heal from wounds that never should have been inflicted in the first place.

David Kahan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and psychotherapist with over a decade of experience. He has worked in various mental health clinics and is now seeing clients in private practice. He is currently accepting clients dealing with new or established mild to moderate mental health diagnoses and can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or 718-350-5408.