Modern Yiddish Curses

Yiddish curses are a long-standing form of Jewish humor: elaborate, often absurd wishes for comic misfortune that sound almost like blessings until the final twist. They are great, but some of them are getting a little dated. One of my favorites is, “May you fall backward onto a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.” It’s funny, but is it relatable? I’ve never owned a pitchfork, and I don’t know if you are supposed to keep one in the kitchen.

At the same time, we all occasionally want a creative way to express our irritation with friends and family. It may feel hopeless, but have no fear: America’s Rebbitzman has created some more modern Yiddish-style curses to share with your boss, spouse, or teenage child.

• May your Instagram feed finally get one million likes, and may it be for a photo your mother posted from your account.
• May your fast be the hardest thing you have to do all year, and may the bagel you break it on be stale.
• Shoot for the moon; even if you miss, at least none of us will have to hear you kvetch about it.
• Success is a journey, not a destination, so may you walk 1,000 miles and never make it to where you are headed.
• Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently…or, in your case, with a different pair of shoes.
• May you inherit a vast art collection, and may it consist entirely of NFTs.
• May you win the lottery, and may every relative you have ever ignored suddenly remember your phone number.
• May your life be so adventurous that TorahAnytime, Hidabroot, and Aish each produce a documentary about it, ArtScroll commissions Rabbi Paysach J. Krohn to write the book, and Rabbi Yoel Gold makes the inspirational video—and may your only role in every version be “the difficult relative who taught everyone else a lesson.”
• May you find the perfect parking spot on 108th Street, and may it be street-cleaning day.
• May your family WhatsApp finally become quiet, and may everyone assume it is because you left the group.
• May you receive the aliyah you have always wanted, and may it come with the longest Torah reading of the year.
• May your table at the Bukharian wedding be closest to the band, and may the singer announce three final songs.
• May your plov receive compliments from everyone at the table, and may each compliment end with, “But my mother’s was better.”
• May every traffic light on Main Street turn green, and may the car ahead of you remain completely unaware.
• May you arrive at the simchah at the time printed on the invitation, and may you enjoy the next two hours alone.
• May the kiddush have everything you like, and may someone take the final piece while you are making the brachah.
• May your child become a doctor, and may every free consultation end with, “You should really see a doctor.”
• May your shul finally install central air, and may your permanent seat be directly beneath the vent.
• May the family voice note answer every question you had, and may it last fourteen minutes.
• May you be seated between the two most talkative relatives at the Seder, and may neither one remember your name.

By Joshua Kail, America’s Rebbitzman