Braidzuterol By Mensch Pharmaceuticals

Every week, Jews around the world enjoy the warm, sweet, familiar embrace of freshly baked challah. Those fortunate enough to make it themselves can sit back and enjoy the wide eyes and watering mouths of friends and family as they admire the intricately woven strands of egg-bathed dough. Sadly, hundreds of thousands of Jews will never know this satisfaction. I am, of course, talking about those of us who suffer from the debilitating disease known as Challahtosis.

While you may know me as America’s Rebbitzman, purveyor of Jewish absurdity, I am also a lifelong sufferer of Challahtosis. For decades, I have endured the anxiety and physical pain that come with attempting to braid a challah. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a nine-, six-, or even three-strand challah. Those of us afflicted with this cruelest of ailments will never know the pleasure of pulling a beautifully braided loaf from the oven. No, for us, baking challah means anxiety, anger, wrist pain, and the disdain of hopeful children.

There is even a tale out of Shakhrisabz, where a fishmonger named Yusupov suffered from this ailment. Unfortunately, this was before modern medicine identified it as a genetic disease. Every week, poor Yusupov would try to bake a challah for Shabbat dinner, and every week his attempts would come out worse than the last. His final attempt resembled one of his baskets of carp heads in graphic detail. At the sight of this monstrosity, under the glow of the Shabbat candles, his wife, Malika, threw him out of the house, his children wept openly in shame, and his rabbi excommunicated him! Poor Yusupov spent the rest of his days wandering the land, searching for new meaning in his life, all because he couldn’t braid a challah.

According to a 2023 study by the Cleveland Clinic, a whopping one in eight Jews suffers from Challahtosis. Even more incredible, a shocking number of those infected don’t realize they have it. If you’ve ever had Shabbat guests bring a challah resembling a disfigured mound of papier-mâché instead of the holiest of carbohydrates, chances are they, too, have Challahtosis.

Those of us with the disease have lived lives of silent shame. We are unable to participate in our children’s Tot Shabbat challah-making activities. We must have awkward, embarrassing conversations with our b’shert before marriage about getting extra blood tests to ensure our children are born disease-free. We endure hurtful comments like, “Why don’t you just watch this YouTube video?” or “You can braid your daughter’s hair. Why can’t you apply that to dough?” While these people mean well, they will never understand the true impact Challahtosis has.

For years, I accepted this as my reality. But I am here to tell you there is hope.

When the good people at Mensch Pharmaceuticals first approached me to be the face of Challahtosis, I was skeptical and afraid. Did I really want the world to know my secret? That while I am known in certain circles for my macramé skills, I couldn’t even construct a challah at a toddler’s level?

Then they introduced me to Braidzuterol.

Braidzuterol is the world’s first treatment for chronic Challahtosis! After my first full dose of Braidzuterol, I was able to braid a challah I wasn’t ashamed of!

The process is easy. All it takes are three simple injections in the left eye on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, each week leading up to the pre-Shabbat baking day. As long as I start the dough by 6:30 a.m., my Challahtosis symptoms disappear for the 15 minutes of required braiding time. By erev Shabbat, the challah is baked and beautiful for all to enjoy. Then I simply reinject my eye the following Monday to prepare for the next Shabbat.

I know what you’re thinking: Only three injections to the eye to braid a beautiful challah of any size? That sounds too good to be true.

Well, friends, I am here to tell you it is true!

The best part is, there are only a couple of minor side effects, including:

• Temporary blindness at the injection site
• Headaches
• Confusion
• Celiac disease
• Abnormal sensitivity to the color blue
• Spontaneous hagbah
• Dry mouth

Do not take Braidzuterol if you or a family member suffers from a fear of heights, are on EIEIO inhibitors, need to operate relatively lightweight machinery, know someone who is pregnant or planning to become pregnant, are allergic to Braidzuterol, or regularly wear socks.

Braidzuterol is not intended for those who can already braid a challah but wish to achieve superhero-level braiding abilities. This was tested in the lab, and the less we say about that, the better.

Do not play Twister while taking Braidzuterol, as it creates an unfair advantage in the game. Do not take other eyeball injections while on Braidzuterol.

Finally, do not ever stop taking Braidzuterol. Even if you aren’t planning to bake challah that week, stopping the injections may result in a newly discovered disease called Kreplachkinisia.

So join me, America’s Rebbitzman, and the hundreds of thousands of other Challahtosis sufferers in saying:

“Thanks, Braidzuterol! We can finally twist that dough!”