The Source of Real Shalom

We are constantly looking for happy, peaceful, harmonious relationships. Sometimes those associations come easily, and other times are more challenging. What can we do to bring more shalom (peace) into interactions that we find tricky?

A while back I heard a powerful story about a girl, let’s call her Batsheva, having a sleepover at a friend's home, who we name Esther. The duo decided to go for a walk, but Batsheva realized she had forgotten to pack a sweatshirt. Esther ever so graciously lent one of her own to Batsheva with a warm smile and together they enjoyed a wonderful stroll.

Weeks later, Batsheva entered school wearing what appeared to be the loaned sweatshirt. Esther approached, “Hey Batsheva, isn’t that my sweatshirt? You should have returned it!” The former guest replied, “No, no. This sweatshirt is mine! My father bought it as a gift.” Esther took a closer look at the garment and pointed to a slight stain on the corner that had settled in long ago. To her, this was the necessary proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was her property. “This is mine! You stole my sweatshirt!” fired back Esther. “No! I’m telling you; my dad purchased it!” declared Batsheva. Classmates soon began taking sides and within moments a full-blown civil war erupted lasting several days.

After some time, Esther brought up the events that transpired with her family. Her older sister announced that she had noticed a sweatshirt lying around that appeared to need a good cleaning. Being a good sibling, she had it dry cleaned. The sisters quickly ran to the cleaners hoping to retrieve the clothing in question. At the shop, they were informed that since the item was given in over 30 days ago the sweatshirt was given to a secondhand store as stated in the store policy. At that moment the sister grasped what had happened. The beloved garment had gone to the resale establishment where Batsheva’s father often shopped due to their tight budget. He must have bought the very same item for his daughter, Batsheva. Ultimately, his purchase was the same exact sweatshirt that the host youth had once owned. However, as the events had played out, the item now rightfully belonged to Batsheva, the guest.

This story is a classic example of how not judging others favorably leads to fights, arguments, and an atmosphere completely void of shalom. The Sefer HaChinuch teaches that the main reason behind this mitzvah of being dan l’kaf zechut is to create shalom, harmony, amongst people. When we train ourselves to judge favorably and not suspect others of trying to do us harm, and instead see the good in the other individual even if the situation appears to suggest that they have wronged us, then, in turn, we will begin to think of them positively. Because of these efforts, our relationships can become that much stronger. Lashon HaRa, machloket, and a downward spiral of negativity occur when we fail to judge optimistically, and alternatively assume the other person said or did something to negatively affect us, like concluding, “She stole my sweatshirt!” To create a setting of shalom in our relationships with our spouse, children, neighbors, and communities, we must first discover how to be dan l’kaf zechut.

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Rabbi Yaakov Moskowitz is a motivational speaker who has inspired Jews around the world through his engaging lectures and videos on a wide array of practical Jewish topics. To receive Rabbi Moskowitz’s short clips, email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..