Marital Harmony

Few things challenge married couples like achieving true peace and marital harmony. But why is this essential ingredient so elusive? No matter where you are in your marriage, the first point to ground you is the following: true peace and harmony is almost never a naturally occurring phenomenon! Never take it for granted, no matter how smooth things may be going. Many young couples make this mistake and unfortunately end up considering divorce after their first major hurdle or challenge. Even veteran couples may wonder what the issue is, for lack of this basic understanding.

Usually, during courtship and into the first few days or weeks of marriage, both partners put their best foot forward. This normal and healthy stage makes the impression that marriage is going to be an effortless paradise. So when the first argument or disagreement comes, each partner suddenly second guesses; “maybe I made a mistake in choosing my partner? Maybe we don’t really match?” The important truth is that people have nearly infinite distinctions and personalities; the assumption otherwise is actually the mistake.

If you give it some thought, you will realize that marriage is not a logical choice. A man and a woman are in many ways different creatures. They think on different wavelengths, perceive facts differently, and even experience emotions in different measures; the psychological default of men and woman are not normally compatible, at all. It really is a wonder if husband and wife share any substantial similarities beyond culture! If not for the natural desires which G-d placed in them for bringing children into this world, they may not have any foundation upon which to get along. But what does it take for us to move from ‘getting along’ to being harmoniously married? Judaism teaches us that it’s about understanding and willpower. We need to accept that both sides are intrinsically different, no matter how many similarities exist. We also need to will a bridge for those gaps with a destination in mind.

For starters, if we want our marriages to succeed, we need to be able to give in, forgive, and deny our ego the satisfaction of always being vindicated. Human nature, being what it is, requires both sides expend effort, time, and cultivate a sincere interest to grow together.

It is also important that both spouses pay attention to their partner’s mode of expression and need. Take the following example. Husband is in the middle of his work day, when he receives a call from his wife. She complains to him that the washing machine is leaking. The husband’s natural reaction in this circumstance would usually disregard the primary reason for the call, which is to relate and empathize with his partner’s predicament. Men talk about problems because they expect solutions, while women recount problems in the interest of developing connection and support. In our example, the wife feels upset and rejected if her husband yells over the phone that all she needed to do is call the plumber or electrician. The husband here needs to look beyond the call and think “what does my wife need right now?” “Why is she calling me as opposed to an electrician?”

At the foundation of any meaningful relationship is the desire to fathom the other person. Marriage is no different; on the contrary, it depends on a mutual effort of deep understanding. Though recognizing this facet of the partnership may not solve every disagreement, it will create a context which allows each partner to look past the natural discrepancies. In musical terms, a harmony is created when two notes sound together, even though they are on different keys. Similarly, marital harmony doesn’t necessarily depend on similar personalities, but rather depends on the desire to resonate with each other.