A young man, already thirty-two years old and still unmarried, came to Rav Raphael Shmuelevitz, zt”l, Rosh Yeshivat Mir, with a painful and deeply personal question.
“I have been on many dates,” he said, “and I have endured many disappointments. Now, at last, I have been offered a shidduch that I truly like. The difficulty is that I am nine years older than her. Should I tell her my real age — risking that she may reject the match — or should I slightly bend the truth and subtract a few years?”
His friends were unanimous in their advice.
“Be practical,” they told him. “In shidduchim, everyone adjusts the truth. For a man your age, good suggestions are rare. This opportunity is fragile. If you tell the truth now, you may lose it. And if you tell later, after an engagement, it will be even worse — you will not only be older, but known as ‘Mr. Broken Engagement.’”
Seeking the Ruling of the Gedolim
Rav Shmuelevitz decided to bring the question before HaGaon Rav Aharon Yehuda Leib Shteinman, zt”l.
Rav Shteinman responded immediately and without hesitation:
“Right now he has one problem — that he is an older bachelor. Do you want to add a second problem and turn him into a liar as well? If with one problem he needs miracles, with two problems he will need miracles of miracles. He must be straight and tell the truth.”
Rav Shmuelevitz conveyed this ruling to the young man. But when his friends heard it, they objected sharply:
“Rav Shteinman lives on an extraordinarily high level of bitachon. He is like a ladder standing on earth with its top reaching the heavens. You are not on that level. Rav Shteinman never lies — but we lie a hundred times a day. One more lie or one less lie will not make a difference.”
Choosing Truth Over Fear
Despite the pressure, the young man stood firm.
“I have emunat chachamim,” he said. “I will follow Rav Shteinman’s ruling. I will not lie.”
When the date arrived, it would be false to say that he was calm. His heart pounded at the thought that she might ask his age. Yet when the question finally came, he answered honestly and directly.
The Girl’s Unforgettable Response
Her reply became a lesson in emunat chachamim that is repeated until today.
“I already knew your exact age,” she said. “I checked the Interior Ministry records. I asked only to see how you would begin your life with me. If you had started with a lie, I would have ended the shidduch immediately — because I would assume our entire life together would be built on falsehood. But since you told the truth, I see that integrity matters to you. With such a man I am willing to build a home — even if he is nine years older than I am.”
The Eternal Lesson
When a person walks with truth and with emunat chachamim, he walks together with HaKadosh Baruch Hu. And when one walks that path, he merits blessing in this world and in the next.
This is the Torah’s command:
“Midvar sheker tirchak — Distance yourself from falsehood.” (Shemot 23:7)
Based on a teaching by Rav Goel Elkarif, shlit”a.
Rabbi Leeor Dahan, a graduate of Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim/RSA, is a noted scholar and teacher, well-versed in halachah. He currently leads Kehilat Avodat Hashem in Hillcrest, Queens, inspiring his congregation to delve into Torah study and embrace its eternal teachings.
A Young Man’s Dilemma
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