Jew-Maxxing

Many of you may only know me as a wildly popular and hilarious Jewish humorist. What you may not know is that I am also the leading social influencer of the Jew-Maxxing movement. You may be wondering: What is Jew-Maxxing? So let’s dive right into this simple program that will change your life!

For those fortunate enough not to spend their lives online, “maxxing” is internet slang for taking some aspect of yourself and obsessively optimizing it. Naturally, Judaism was next.

 

What Is Jew-Maxxing?

Judaism is a religion. It is a culture. But it is also the latest form of extreme living. Jew-Maxxing is all about taking the fundamentals of being a Jew and exploiting them TO THE MAX. Why just “be Jewish” when you can exemplify Judaism and, in turn, find success and power beyond your wildest dreams…within the four walls of your shul, at least?

The time to be a beta Jew is over, so walk with me into the Tribosphere and unleash your inner Aleph-ness.

 

How To Jew-Maxx

Jew-Maxxing is easy, and you can modify it however you need. At the same time, if you don’t do absolutely everything in this article, it just means you are a sad poser who might as well order a shrimp cocktail and give up!

It’s okay. We in the Tribosphere understand that some of you are simply not genetically designed to go to the maxx.

Jew-Maxxing is about stepping into a room and instantly changing the question on everyone’s minds from “Are they Jewish?” to “Am I Jewish enough?”

That is how you establish dominance in any minyan. From getting the aliyah to obtaining a unanimous vote as the next shul president, Jew-Maxxing is your life hack to power and prestige within the community.

 

Jew-Maxxing Techniques

Peyot – For beta Jewish men, they walk around with two uncut sideburns on each side of their face like a nudnik. Jew-Maxxers laugh at this. The commandment says not to cut or shave the corners of your head. Unfortunately for beta Jews, the head has more corners than just the obvious ones.

Jew-Maxxers amp it up…to the maxx!

Nose? Corner! Don’t shave your nose hair.

Brow line? Corner! Let those eyebrows put Eugene Levy to shame.

If the hair next to your ears counts as a corner, then surely those suspicious bumps on the back of your head deserve representation too. That’s right: Jew-Maxxing means four peyot, not just two.

When you sashay into the oneg with your four peyot, your long, flowing nose hair, and eyebrows capable of protecting an entire sukkah from a dust storm, people will notice you in awe.

Sheitels – Jew-Maxxing isn’t only for the fellas; women can get in on it as well.

The traditional sheitel is, well, restrained. Straight brown hair? Tasteful layers? Yawn. Yes, it’s for modesty, but modesty shouldn’t mean invisible. Jew-Maxxing is all about being oppressively visible.

Jewish women have elevated the sheitel into an art form for generations, but the Jew-Maxxer asks the obvious question: Why stop now? If European royalty could turn wigs into architectural projects, surely we can learn something from history.

Even if you are not part of a community that traditionally wears a sheitel, you will want one once you board the Maxx Train to a gilded Jewish life. Start with an Elizabethan-style court wig. Graduate to a three-foot-high bouffant. By the next oneg, take on the full Marie Antoinette look, complete with enough vertical clearance to require advance approval from the shul’s building committee.

Walk into the next Sisterhood meeting like that and the presidency is yours.

That’s right. You can have your ugah and eat it too!

Kippot – No, this isn’t about wearing a kippah with your favorite sports team or Spider-Man painted on it. How you choose your head covering is an integral aspect of true Jew-Maxxing. It sends a subconscious message to everyone around you that you are more than a pedestrian Jew.

You might think the “maxxing” in Jew-Maxxing means going big with your kippah. Wrong.

You want to find the smallest possible kippah and then cut it down even smaller until you have achieved the micro-yarmulke.

The smaller the kippah, the bigger your head looks. Big heads contain big brains, and Jew-Maxxers are nothing if not big-brained smarties.

Diet – I’ve written about this before, but all Jew-Maxxers follow the Yidkins Diet to an OU.

No exceptions.

Body Alteration – Jew-Maxxing doesn’t just mean altering your looks to the extreme; it means reaching the epitome of Jewish body functionality. Now, I am sure you have heard about other (inferior) maxxing movements out there where people actually do things like hit themselves in the face with hammers in an attempt to cause microfractures in the bone and accentuate their cheek and jaw lines. This is fundamentally stupid and doesn’t work. Jew-Maxxers do not do this.

Instead, we apply the hammer directly to our knuckles to create the microfractures. The result of this practice is that when you hear Haman’s name chanted in the Megillah, all you need to do is shake your fingers, and the resulting cracking sounds mean you have maxxed your hands into living graggers.

The next area to maxx is pronunciation.

Ordinary Jews learn how to pronounce a respectable guttural “ch.”

Jew-Maxxers train for it.

Cold shower in the morning. Stand near the freezer while deciding what to eat. Practice “chhhhh” into a cup of hot tea until the steam changes direction.

Simply pronouncing Hebrew the Ashkenazic way isn’t enough. You want people three rows away to wonder whether you personally invented the letter chet.

That is vocal Jew-Maxxing.

Whether you have your eye on that shul president opening, want to become the de facto groyser macher of your community, or simply hope to become the prize specimen of the shul singles group, Jew-Maxxing isn’t an option.

It’s a must.

Start today. By next Shabbat, nobody will be asking whether you’re Jewish enough.

They’ll be asking the rabbi whether the shul has a policy against whatever it is you’ve become.

 

Editor’s Addition

Tallit Maxxing – Why settle for a tallit that covers your shoulders when you can wear one with enough fabric to provide shade for three rows of the minyan?

A beta Jew wraps himself in a tallit. A Jew-Maxxer establishes jurisdiction.

If someone three seats away accidentally ends up underneath it during Shacharit, congratulations: your territorial expansion has begun.

Siddur Maxxing – A regular Jew brings one siddur. A Jew-Maxxer arrives with three: weekday, Shabbat, and one mysterious 900-page edition nobody has seen since 1987.

The goal is not necessarily to know which one to use. The goal is to make everyone else wonder whether they brought the wrong one.

For advanced Jew-Maxxers, occasionally flip rapidly between all three while nodding knowingly.

Kiddush Maxxing – Never be first to the Kiddush. That is rookie behavior.

A Jew-Maxxer arrives exactly ninety seconds after the crowd forms, identifies the only tray everyone wants, navigates through twelve conversations without making eye contact, and somehow emerges holding the final two pieces while insisting, “I barely took anything.”

True masters can accomplish this while carrying a cup of Diet Coke and maintaining an unrelated conversation with the rabbi.

Macher Maxxing – A beta Jew knows the rabbi.

A Jew-Maxxer knows the rabbi, the rabbi’s assistant, the shul president, the caterer, the guy with the keys, the person who controls the thermostat, and—most importantly—the person who actually knows where the extra tables are stored.

This is how power works.

You do not become a groyser macher by holding office. You become one when people start calling you because nobody else knows who to call.