What It Takes To Be A Good Spouse

Is marriage something that can be ‘diagnosed’? Is there a proper regimen which can guarantee a maximized potential for every married couple? Maimonides, one of the greatest minds of all time, certainly believed so. Maimonides was the exquisite combination of a renowned philosopher, a preeminent psychologist, a royal physician, a spiritual powerhouse, a legal prodigy, and above all, a pure rationalist. What was his recipe for the perfect marriage?

“A man must love his wife like he loves himself and honor and respect her more than he honors himself”. Maimonides recognized that a married woman’s heart is very in-tune to her husband’s behavior. He must therefore love her as he loves himself, and respect her more than he respects himself. By doing so, he demonstrates her value in a way which reaffirms and cements his relationship with her. There is nothing as precious as the human personality, and no one so close as to appreciate it as a husband. So… how does one honor his wife?

Priority has a lot to do with it. “If the husband is a man of means, he should honor his wife with his wealth,” says Maimonides. Honoring her with his wealth means that she is given more than what she needs, and derives enjoyment from his financial capabilities. Also, “a husband should not be overbearing and cause his family to fear him”. Unfortunately, it is not rare to find people who are sweethearts in public but monsters when they are home with the family. A husband must make the habit of talking to his wife in gentle tones. Finally, Maimonides states that a man must never talk to his wife out of anger or depression.

Maimonides has a regimen for the women as well: “The woman must respect her husband very much, and look up to him and please him in accordance with his preferences. She should help him feel like an important person, like a prince. She should keep close whatever he enjoys, and push away things which he dislikes”.

Let’s parse these words together. We already discussed the value of demonstrable respect and pleasantry, but in regards to the woman, there is the extra qualifier “in accordance with [her husband’s] preferences”. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of bringing other people joy, and sometimes we forget what it is that makes the other person happy. It’s only natural to assume that what makes oneself happy is the same as what our spouse enjoys. Maimonides suggests that women take care in addressing their husband’s particularities, because this is what demonstrates honor in their eyes.

Maimonides also says that a woman should help her husband feel important. No one has a pulse on the man’s ego like a wife, and she might therefore need to be sensitive and creative in how she keeps it in a healthy state. A husband is naturally most receptive to her estimation, and her words and actions can bring him up or very down.

Maimonides’ final word of advice here is that a wife be mindful and not be unjustifiably contrarian. Male psychology has a color for friendship and kinship which often blends with love and affection. Making a show of being on his team goes a long way here, even beyond what a wife would expect based on her natural experience as the opposite gender.

Of course, these directives cannot be fulfilled in one day and are rather about forming healthy habits which will improve the quality of marriage for both spouses.

 By Adam Suionov