Recipe For Married Couples

Shalom Bayit. These two words identify such a big part of Judaism, but they are also among the most sought-out things to actualize. So many ‘tips’ and systems have been written on the subject, but which of them can guarantee marital peace? The Rambam writes a formula for achieving Shalom Bayit in his Halachic compendium Yad Ha’Chazakah. Here the Rambam presents instructions which address the main roots for planting Shalom Bayit in the house.

The Rambam quotes a Gemara in Yevamot: “A man must love his wife like he loves himself and honor and respect her more than he honors himself”. The Gemara, and in turn the Rambam, recognizes that what a woman most expects from a husband is an appropriate amount of honor and respect. Therefore, the Gemara is teaching us that when it comes to honor and respect, a husband must honor and respect his wife more so than he would respect himself. This of course relates to the general commandment to love and honor our fellow Jew. However with a spouse, this commandment is magnified.

Our Sages teach us that the Neshama, the soul of a person, originates from under the Kisei Ha’Kavod (G-d’s Honorable and Glorious Throne). G-d Himself is often called Melech HaKavod (Glorious King of Honor), and we know that the human soul is referred to as Chelek Elokim Mi’Malah, or a ‘portion of the Divine’. Therefore, when we honor each other, we are actually satisfying each other’s needs. We crave honor because our souls originate from a Glorious state of being, at the center of what is Honorable.

A woman who is not honored by her husband, where does she have to turn to? Chas V’Shalom (G-d have Mercy) that she fill this void through a man other than her husband! Proper honor is a basic need of the soul. If a husband fails to provide it, the wife lacks a necessity, her spiritual oxygen. When her honor is neglected to an extreme point, it is comparable to loss of life. Therefore our Sages stress that a husband must honor his wife more than himself, and love her as he loves himself.

The Rambam continues “if the husband is a man of means, he should honor his wife with his wealth”. In other words, the husband should not be stingy towards his wife. He must not only make sure that she has what she needs, but that she will actually enjoy from his wealth, according to his capabilities. Chacham Ovadia Yosef once said over a beautiful mashal (parable) demonstrating the proper behavior: when your wife comes to you for 100 Shekel, don’t respond to her “what do you need so much for? Here, take half”. If a husband does so, then when he comes to pray to Hashem for Parnassah (livelihood), he will get a similar response “What do you need this for? Here, take half”. If when a wife asks for 100 shekel the husband instead gives her 200 shekel, he can expect the same kind of treatment from Hashem.

The Rambam’s next instruction is “a husband should not be overbearing and cause his family to fear him”. Unfortunately, it is not rare to find people who are sweethearts in public but monsters when they are home with the family. It is immoral to be rude to one’s wife or put the children down. A husband must make the habit of talking to his wife in gentle tones. The Gemara tells a story of a husband who was excessively particular and caused his wife to break Shabbat out of fear of disappointing him. Furthermore, the Rambam writes that a man must always avoid talking to his wife out of anger or depression/ self-defeatism.

The Rambam describes the basic ingredients for the wife’s interactions with her husband as well: “The woman must respect her husband very much, and look up to him and please him in accordance with his preferences. She should help him feel like an important person, like a prince. She should keep close whatever he enjoys, and push away things which he dislikes”.

Of course, the Rambam’s instructions cannot be fulfilled in one day and is rather about forming healthy habits which will improve the quality of marriage for both spouses. May Hashem give us all the strength to do what is right and good. May He bless us with Nachat Ruach from our children and spiritual and material wealth, Amen.