Making Marriage Work

Few things challenge the family unit like achieving true Shalom Bayit (marital harmony). But why is this essential ingredient so elusive? As interested and sincere spouses, what can we do to achieve shalom bayit? It may seem difficult to answer this ques-tion ‘standing on one leg,’ however; an important place to start is to know how Shalom Bayit comes to be. It is almost never a naturally occurring phenome-non. Shalom Bayit is not something to be taken for granted or even expected immediately upon marriage. Many cou-ples make this mistake and unfortunate-ly divorce after their first hurdle or chal-lenge.

Usually, during courtship and into the first few days or weeks of marriage, both partners put forward their best foot. This forms the impression for the couple that marriage is going to be an effortless paradise. The natural assump-tion then is that they will always get along. So when the first argument or dis-agreement comes, each partner may feel deep down “maybe I made a mistake in choosing my partner, they cannot be the one for me”. The rationale to this thought comes from the realization that the other side really is a total opposite; he chooses white, she chooses black; he wants to go right, she wants to go left etc. The important truth is that the argu-ment is a natural byproduct of marriage, and the assumption otherwise is actual-ly the mistake.

If you give it some thought, marriage is not supposed to work. A man and wom-an are in many ways different creatures. They think on different wavelengths, perceive facts differently, and even expe-rience emotions in different measures; it really is a wonder if man and wife share substan-tial similarities! The psy-chological default is that man and woman are not normally compatible, at all. If not for the natural desires which Hashem placed in them for bring-ing children into this world, they may not have any foundation upon which to really get along.

We need to understand that if we want our marriages to succeed, we need to be able to give in, forgive and deny our ego the satisfaction of always being vindicated. A firm substance will not readily yield to a mold, even if that is exactly what is required to take proper form. Similarly, a couple does not spon-taneously represent a model relation-ship. Both sides need to expend effort, time and have a sincere interest to grow. It is also important that both spous-es recognize and understand the differ-ences in each side’s mode of expression and consequent needs. Take the follow-ing example. Husband is in the middle of his work day, when he receives a call from his wife. She complains to him that the washing machine is leak-ing. The husband’s natural reaction in this circumstance would usually dis-regard the primary reason for the call, which is to relate and empathize with his partner’s predicament. Men tend to relate problems because they expect help in solving them, while women re-count problems in the interest of devel-oping connection and support. In our example, the wife feels upset and re-jected after her husband yells over the phone that all she needed to do is call the plumber or electrician, not bother him in middle of work.

At the foundation of any meaningful relationship is the desire to fathom the other person. Marriage is no different; on the contrary, it depends on a mutu-al effort of deep understanding. Though recognizing this facet of the partnership may not solve every disagreement, it will create a context which allows each partner to look past the natural discrep-ancies. In musical terms, a harmony is created when two notes sound together, even though they are on different keys. Similarly, marital harmony doesn’t nec-essarily depend on similar personalities, but rather depends on the desire to reso-nate with each other.

By BJL Staff