Harav Yitzchak Yisraeli Discusses Marital Harmony

Few things challenge the family unit like achieving true Shalom Bayit (marital harmony). But why is this essential ingredient so difficult? As interested and sincere spouses, what can we do to achieve shalom bayit?

It may seem difficult to answer this question ‘standing on one leg,’ however; an important place to start is to know how Shalom Bayit comes to be. It is almost never a naturally occurring phenomenon. Shalom Bayit is not something to be taken for granted or even expected immediately upon marriage. Many couples make this mistake and unfortunately divorce after their first hurdle or challenge.

Usually, during ones dating life and into the first few days or weeks of marriage, both partners put forward their best behavior. This forms the impression for the couple that marriage is going to be an effortless paradise. The natural assumption then is that they will always get along. So when the first argument or disagreement comes, each partner may feel deep down “maybe I made a mistake in choosing my partner, they cannot be the one for me”. The rationale to this thought comes from the realization that the other side really is a total opposite; he chooses white, she chooses black; he wants to go right, she wants to go left etc. The important truth is that the argument is a natural byproduct of marriage, and the assumption otherwise is actually the mistake.

If you give it some thought, marriage is not supposed to work. A man and woman are in many ways different creatures. They think on different wavelengths, perceive facts differently, and even experience emotions in different measures; it really is a wonder if man and wife share substantial similarities! The psychological default is that man and woman are not normally compatible, at all. If not for the natural desires which Hashem placed in them for bringing children into this world, they may not have any foundation upon which to really get along.

We need to understand that if we want our marriages to succeed, we need to be able to give in, forgive and deny our ego the satisfaction of always being vindicated. A firm substance will not readily yield to a mold, even if that is exactly what is required to take proper form. Similarly, a couple does not spontaneously represent a model relationship. Both sides need to expend effort, time and have a sincere interest to grow.

It is also important that both spouses recognize and understand the differences in each side’s mode of expression and consequent needs. Take the following example. Husband is in the middle of his work day, when he receives a call from his wife. She complains to him that the washing machine is leaking. The husband’s natural reaction in this circumstance would usually disregard the primary reason for the call, which is to relate and empathize with his partner’s predicament. Men tend to relate problems because they expect help in solving them, while women recount problems in the interest of developing connection and support. In our example, the wife feels upset and rejected after her husband yells over the phone that all she needed to do is call the plumber or electrician, not bother him in middle of work.

At the foundation of any meaningful relationship is the desire to fathom the other person. Marriage is no different; on the contrary, it depends on a mutual effort of deep understanding. Though recognizing this facet of the partnership may not solve every disagreement, it will create a context which allows each partner to look past the natural discrepancies. In musical terms, a harmony is created when two notes sound together, even though they are on different keys. Similarly, marital harmony doesn’t necessarily depend on similar personalities, but rather depends on the desire to resonate with each other.

 By Adam Suionov